Another rough one

9/24/08:

I was feeling pretty good this morning, but now I’m feeling extremely shaky, nervous, and anxious and I can’t figure out why. I’m trying to take deep breaths and calm myself down but it’s not working. I think this would be one of those times when I would immediately go for food but I know I’m not hungry so I have to stop myself from doing that. Instead, I’m drinking lots of water in an attempt to get the same effect that the food would have. It’s not really working though. Releasing tension … deep breathing … closing my eyes … calm down … I suppose I should just keep trying this and not give up so fast. Of course I want immediate results though.

Maybe I did take my adhd meds twice today. I swear I don’t think I did, but my heart still hasn’t stopped beating fast/pounding and it’s now 2:30pm. Even food doesn’t make me feel better. And then of course the more I think about it, the worse it gets. It’s turning into a rough day again. Now that I’m really paying attention to it, I think that multiple meetings which cut up my day (e.g. 10-11, 12-1) have quite the negative effect on my attention span. I mean, maybe that’s something that I can work on, to figure out how I can better manage my day with those expected interruptions. Hmmm, I’ll keep that thought in mind. Right now I have to figure out how to stay on track with all of these things I’ve got on my list today. I keep starting a task and then realizing that I was doing something else, and then realize that I really should be doing something other than that. Then I get distracted by someone or something and the cycle starts itself all over again. Kind of annoying.

Man I cannot focus today. It is taking me forever to do any little thing. Good thing I’m going to the gym so I’ll be forced out of here at a specific time. At least having a deadline might help me stay on task for a few moments at a time to get something done. I hope, anyway.

Lists, lists, lists

So this morning I’m in the shower having random thoughts about why I have such a hard time completing things on a list. For instance, the bf’s son wrote a list of everything he wanted to do over the course of the summer. It was quite lengthy but some of the items were very simple, like take the dogs for a walk, or cook out. I think some were even simpler than that. But if that’s the case, why can we never seem to check anything off of the list. How is it that we completely forget about the list even though it’s stuck to the refrigerator? I mean, right in front of us, not lost like all the other lists we make. Seriously though, it’s not this one list that I’m beating myself up for. It’s what the list represents, the hundreds and hundreds of other lists that I’ve made in the past days, weeks, months or more. Where did they all go? How many things on those lists did I actually complete? I don’t know since I can’t find them. And even once I find them (crumpled up in the bottom of my purse, or on the kitchen table or …) I’ve already started another list so now I need to transfer those things over, making my new list even longer. That is, if I can find the new list. Either that or I just decide I don’t even want to bother with what’s on there. I’ll just start over and pick the things that are most important right now. Should I keep the old list or throw it away. Hmmm, there’s another problem, paper clutter. I might want to look at that list later, like maybe after I never complete the things on the newest list? It’s like this never-ending cycle. I can’t seem to throw things away. Am I getting off track? What was my point anyway? Oh yeah, lists don’t work. Even when I know where the list is, I still don’t look at it. I can remember what was on there. Yeah, no I can’t. What do I need to get done tonight, what do I need to buy at the grocery store, what do I need to pack for work tomorrow? Okay so maybe I will look at the list, but I won’t do what’s on there anyway. I’ll just do that this weekend, or buy that next time, or pack tomorrow morning – after I wake up late and take care of the puppies, eat breakfast, and find out that I have no clothes to wear, no food for lunch (I think that was one of those things I decided I can buy later …). That’ll work. And while I’m driving to work I’ll decide that I really need to be more organized and manage my time better so that I can actually get to work on time, for once. I’ll work on that tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. We’ll see. Now what was I saying?

Rough day

Today started out with no Paxil again, after being without it yesterday. I finally went and picked it up at 11:15 because the doc said not having it for more than a day would take a couple of weeks to kick in again. So I don’t know if it’s that or lack of sleep or both that is making me feel very sleepy, antsy, anxious, stressed, etc. This is one of those bad days for me. I cannot function as normal and this is one of those days that I would be overeating from the stress, had I not started paying attention to that bad habit. I’m starting to get a headache, but I don’t want to take any meds for that since I seem to have an issue with overuse of that as well. Instead I will try to distract myself from those bad habits by forming a new one, journaling. It’s not like I haven’t tried this before, I just seem to fall off the journal wagon after a few (or less) days. But, doc said I should journal this crap that’s going on with me – anxiety, adhd – so that I can refer back to my notes and have some idea what I want to talk about next time I go in. I really need a full time computer or this will be difficult. Okay so my issues are:

Can’t sit still – right now I am swinging my leg back and forth just to stay seated
Can’t focus on one thing for more than a few seconds
Very tense; legs, arm stomach muscles all very tight
Stressed that I can’t focus and get anything done
Overwhelmed by everything I have pending
Upset with myself for not doing a better job as a volunteer
I’m just sitting here, closing my eyes and waiting for 5:30 to appear on the clock

I’m thinking that I am more overwhelmed and stressed lately because of this attempt to stop the emotional eating phase I’ve been going through. Instead of eating or popping some ibuprofen in my mouth in an attempt to feel better, I’m now stuck trying to deal with what is really stressing me out. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what my stressors are and what to do about them. I guess I sort of know what the problems are, but I have no idea where to start in fixing them. How many books do I have to read, or shows do I have to watch, before my brain starts to function in that way? I mean, I see it or visualize it, but I don’t know how to implement these ideas. I get so frustrated with myself and this adhd stuff. Why did this have to happen to me? Why can’t I figure out how to work around it? Why don’t I have the same organizational abilities that other people have? How come I haven’t been able to learn these things that just seem so obvious to other people? Like how to clean my desk or delete emails or fix my nails or whatever? It pretty much seems unfair that my brain has to work twice as hard to get half the results. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful that I don’t have anything worse. I’m quite aware that I should not be feeling sorry for myself when there are people much worse off than me. I definitely try to keep things in perspective. I don’t know, I’m so tired of thinking about it so I think I’ll take my last 7 minutes of work and try to get something accomplished. Maybe.