Rough day

Today started out with no Paxil again, after being without it yesterday. I finally went and picked it up at 11:15 because the doc said not having it for more than a day would take a couple of weeks to kick in again. So I don’t know if it’s that or lack of sleep or both that is making me feel very sleepy, antsy, anxious, stressed, etc. This is one of those bad days for me. I cannot function as normal and this is one of those days that I would be overeating from the stress, had I not started paying attention to that bad habit. I’m starting to get a headache, but I don’t want to take any meds for that since I seem to have an issue with overuse of that as well. Instead I will try to distract myself from those bad habits by forming a new one, journaling. It’s not like I haven’t tried this before, I just seem to fall off the journal wagon after a few (or less) days. But, doc said I should journal this crap that’s going on with me – anxiety, adhd – so that I can refer back to my notes and have some idea what I want to talk about next time I go in. I really need a full time computer or this will be difficult. Okay so my issues are:

Can’t sit still – right now I am swinging my leg back and forth just to stay seated
Can’t focus on one thing for more than a few seconds
Very tense; legs, arm stomach muscles all very tight
Stressed that I can’t focus and get anything done
Overwhelmed by everything I have pending
Upset with myself for not doing a better job as a volunteer
I’m just sitting here, closing my eyes and waiting for 5:30 to appear on the clock

I’m thinking that I am more overwhelmed and stressed lately because of this attempt to stop the emotional eating phase I’ve been going through. Instead of eating or popping some ibuprofen in my mouth in an attempt to feel better, I’m now stuck trying to deal with what is really stressing me out. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what my stressors are and what to do about them. I guess I sort of know what the problems are, but I have no idea where to start in fixing them. How many books do I have to read, or shows do I have to watch, before my brain starts to function in that way? I mean, I see it or visualize it, but I don’t know how to implement these ideas. I get so frustrated with myself and this adhd stuff. Why did this have to happen to me? Why can’t I figure out how to work around it? Why don’t I have the same organizational abilities that other people have? How come I haven’t been able to learn these things that just seem so obvious to other people? Like how to clean my desk or delete emails or fix my nails or whatever? It pretty much seems unfair that my brain has to work twice as hard to get half the results. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful that I don’t have anything worse. I’m quite aware that I should not be feeling sorry for myself when there are people much worse off than me. I definitely try to keep things in perspective. I don’t know, I’m so tired of thinking about it so I think I’ll take my last 7 minutes of work and try to get something accomplished. Maybe.