I’ve got my appointment with the psychologist today. I always feel like he’s going to yell at me for not doing something that we talked about, or for rescheduling my appointments and not coming in for several weeks. I don’t think that’s his job, but he intimidates me. Well, so did the last one and there was nothing intimidating about her. It’s me, I know. I need to get over it. But I have this constant anxiety and it just builds up more and more every time I have to go talk to someone about what’s going on with me. Doesn’t even matter what doc it is, all of them make me nervous. I feel like I’m going to sound stupid or I’m not going to be able to explain things the right way, or they just won’t get it so it’ll be a lost cause. I guess it’s like talking to anyone else who does not experience these same issues. They don’t get it, and then I feel so let down and frustrated. I can take their criticism and ideas and they all sound good, but I already know they won’t work. I’ve tried them all before. It’s more than just trying to do something. I need help. And it needs to come from someone who understands how my mind works and doesn’t put me down or look at me like I’m crazy. Is there such a person? I know there is, I’ve read their books or blogs or articles before. I just can’t afford to pay them to help me out. And why is that? Because I have ADHD and can’t get my $ situation together, because I can’t get organized, because I have no idea how time works, and it goes on and on. I can start one project but then get overwhelmed by how much there is to do. Then I get distracted by something else, and something else and something else. How does one stay on track? How does one learn how to stay on track?
1:51pm: Well that was truly a frustrating experience, although I must say I learned a few things. But, the psychologist was convinced that the psychiatrist I’m supposed to see next week is really a psychologist and so therefore a complete waste of my time to go through all that re-evaluation, etc. So now I’m thinking, what exactly is my primary care doc going to do about meds if her whole point was to send me to a psychiatrist to get a second opinion. Of course I looked online and it seems to be the case that this person really is a psychiatrist (man I hope so!). Although, I’m still not quite sure what the point was since there was no real recommendation provided as far as what changes to be made with medication. Maybe he sent something to the pc doc, who knows. I’m calming down now. That experience almost made me cry.
Other than that I guess I’m supposed to pay some attention to my sleep patterns now too. So, last night, went to be around 10:30, probably fell asleep after 11pm. BF’s son woke us up around 2:30 because his knee hurt, so that was probably a good 30-60 minute interruption before I got back to sleep. Alarms started going off at 6am over and over until 7:30 when I finally got up. So how many hours of sleep does that add up to? Math sucks. 3.5 + 2.5 + 1.5 (very disruptive) = 6-7.5 hours. Wow that’s not enough. No wonder I’m tired all day long.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Just another not so manic Monday
I got to work way late today. Partially because that’s what I do, partially because traffic was bad, for no apparent reason. I mean, it was backed up and slow for a few miles, and it was already 9am. Shouldn’t these people be at work already? When I got here I was oddly calm, extremely calm. I like that feeling. Then I found out one of my coworkers is out and I have to cover for her. That took some of the calm away. I know it’s my own doing. I start to make myself anxious. Sometimes I think that I don’t know how to function if I’m not nervous or anxious. Does that even make sense? I guess I’ll be talking to the psychologist about this tomorrow, then my regular doc whenever I make that appointment, and then the psychiatrist next week. Maybe I need to try some new meds for the anxiety as well as the ADHD. This is going to be way too fun!! Haha.
12:58pm: Well, the 1 hour 45 minute meeting pretty much ruined my calmness. I shouldn’t say ruined, but the calmness has gone away now. As usual I am tensing up and feeling kind of anxious. I think that my food choices may have a little to do with it though. It is so hard trying to come up with a way to deal with everything all at once, or just one thing at a time. How do I prioritize? What’s most important? Food choices? Organization? Time management? Is it even possible to do one without all of them? They all sort of work off of each other. If I don’t eat well, I have a harder time getting focused, organized, managing my time. If I don’t manage my time I don’t make the right food choices or get organized. If I don’t get organized, I can’t really manage my time or figure out what the good food choices are, etc. It’s this never ending cycle which has no beginning and no end. And when you’ve lived an entire life without knowing how to do any of these things, it’s not exactly easy to just jump right in and start doing them. It has never just dawned on me that, hey, I know how I can organize/manage my time/eat better now! All of the information has always been there. How do I start to process and implement these things into my life when my house is a mess, I have no sense of time, and it’s just easier to eat what’s quick, convenient, and something I know I like?
So now I’m thinking, I know exactly what the doctors, or at least one of them, are going to say. Maybe you should think about writing down what you eat every day. Then you can see if there’s a pattern to how certain foods affect you. Been there, done that. Doesn’t work. I can barely remember where I put that stupid notebook/pen – because I’d have to write the stuff down at home, as well as at work. Otherwise, I can barely remember to write this journal, let alone what I eat. Okay maybe I can try it, but not until I’ve got this journaling thing down. So many things that I think about, so not enough time on the planet to remember or actually do them.
5:24pm: I have got to switch meds now. I just started reading about Vyvanse and most of the people that switched from Adderall to that one are saying they can feel a difference. I just want something that will last all day. I hope that’s what my doc will prescribe for me. I am ready to try something different before I get so behind at work that I can’t catch up. I know I need to exercise and eat better and get more sleep too, but I need some motivation. I hope the med change will give me that motivation. I’m so sleepy right now, and not getting much done at all, so I think it’s time to go home.
12:58pm: Well, the 1 hour 45 minute meeting pretty much ruined my calmness. I shouldn’t say ruined, but the calmness has gone away now. As usual I am tensing up and feeling kind of anxious. I think that my food choices may have a little to do with it though. It is so hard trying to come up with a way to deal with everything all at once, or just one thing at a time. How do I prioritize? What’s most important? Food choices? Organization? Time management? Is it even possible to do one without all of them? They all sort of work off of each other. If I don’t eat well, I have a harder time getting focused, organized, managing my time. If I don’t manage my time I don’t make the right food choices or get organized. If I don’t get organized, I can’t really manage my time or figure out what the good food choices are, etc. It’s this never ending cycle which has no beginning and no end. And when you’ve lived an entire life without knowing how to do any of these things, it’s not exactly easy to just jump right in and start doing them. It has never just dawned on me that, hey, I know how I can organize/manage my time/eat better now! All of the information has always been there. How do I start to process and implement these things into my life when my house is a mess, I have no sense of time, and it’s just easier to eat what’s quick, convenient, and something I know I like?
So now I’m thinking, I know exactly what the doctors, or at least one of them, are going to say. Maybe you should think about writing down what you eat every day. Then you can see if there’s a pattern to how certain foods affect you. Been there, done that. Doesn’t work. I can barely remember where I put that stupid notebook/pen – because I’d have to write the stuff down at home, as well as at work. Otherwise, I can barely remember to write this journal, let alone what I eat. Okay maybe I can try it, but not until I’ve got this journaling thing down. So many things that I think about, so not enough time on the planet to remember or actually do them.
5:24pm: I have got to switch meds now. I just started reading about Vyvanse and most of the people that switched from Adderall to that one are saying they can feel a difference. I just want something that will last all day. I hope that’s what my doc will prescribe for me. I am ready to try something different before I get so behind at work that I can’t catch up. I know I need to exercise and eat better and get more sleep too, but I need some motivation. I hope the med change will give me that motivation. I’m so sleepy right now, and not getting much done at all, so I think it’s time to go home.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Seriously ...
Today I was quick to get out of bed, all it took was bf saying that he thought my “baby” (my dear darling puppy Lilly) needed to go out. Since she’s been using the floor as her own personal bathroom lately I jumped right up to take all the pups outside. The problem is that I made the mistake of going back to bed to lay down for about 20 minutes. So instead of being on time today, or even close to it, I was late again. Not that it’s anything new, but I have been doing better at getting in a little bit earlier the past couple weeks. I didn’t take any of my meds until I was in the car on the way to work. So again this morning I’m extremely sleepy. I’ll have to wait until the Adderall kicks in again before I can get any actual work done. I finally have an appointment to meet with the psychiatrist about my test results and to discuss medication options, but that’s not until the 13th. I’m also supposed to meet with the regular doc to discuss these things with her, but I don’t know if I can wait until after I talk to the psychiatrist. I may need a new prescription before that. All I know right now is that I could just lay down and go to sleep for a good hour and I would feel so much better. At least, that’s what it feels like.
This is ridiculous really. Why do I have to rely on a medication to wake me up and make me focus anyway. How is that right? Shouldn’t I be able to wake up just by waking up? I don’t know. I definitely have a better life because of the meds, but I still hate the fact that I have to take them to function. And then they don’t function all day anyway. It’s a nice love/hate relationship that I have with them.
Man I get so obsessed with what I’m doing sometimes, it’s hard to break away. Like, here I am trying to get some work done before it’s time to go home, and I happen to come across the new Overstock real estate website. So, I decide to take a quick glance, and now I can’t stop. I just keep going through the list of houses, looking at pictures, mapping them out, etc. I know I should be doing my work because I have several things I need to get done before I leave. But I can’t seem to break away. Seriously. I need afternoon meds.
Time to go register to vote. I need to get this done so I no longer have to think about it and worry about it every single day. Anxiety is hitting me like, what if I mail it and it gets lost so that I can’t vote. Or, what if I try to go somewhere to register and they lose it so I can’t vote. Then I wonder if I should do the register and vote at the same time thing. But that just worries me like, how do I know my vote is going to count, since the republicans were trying to get that shut down. I know it didn’t work and got thrown out of court, but still, how can I be sure they won’t try it again in some other sneaky way. Yeah I need to stop thinking about it and just get registered to make sure I’m registered.
This is ridiculous really. Why do I have to rely on a medication to wake me up and make me focus anyway. How is that right? Shouldn’t I be able to wake up just by waking up? I don’t know. I definitely have a better life because of the meds, but I still hate the fact that I have to take them to function. And then they don’t function all day anyway. It’s a nice love/hate relationship that I have with them.
Man I get so obsessed with what I’m doing sometimes, it’s hard to break away. Like, here I am trying to get some work done before it’s time to go home, and I happen to come across the new Overstock real estate website. So, I decide to take a quick glance, and now I can’t stop. I just keep going through the list of houses, looking at pictures, mapping them out, etc. I know I should be doing my work because I have several things I need to get done before I leave. But I can’t seem to break away. Seriously. I need afternoon meds.
Time to go register to vote. I need to get this done so I no longer have to think about it and worry about it every single day. Anxiety is hitting me like, what if I mail it and it gets lost so that I can’t vote. Or, what if I try to go somewhere to register and they lose it so I can’t vote. Then I wonder if I should do the register and vote at the same time thing. But that just worries me like, how do I know my vote is going to count, since the republicans were trying to get that shut down. I know it didn’t work and got thrown out of court, but still, how can I be sure they won’t try it again in some other sneaky way. Yeah I need to stop thinking about it and just get registered to make sure I’m registered.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Just another day
Forgot my lunch at home today. I even had a good lunch packed and ready to go. That just threw me off and as soon as I got to work I took my chips out and ate them all. As if that was necessary? I also took my Adderall late again so it hasn’t kicked in yet. I’m still a little sleepy, can’t really keep my eyes open at the moment. Can’t focus.
Okay drugs have kicked in now. I’m a little more awake and focused. I’m still just looking at my desk like, how the hell am I ever going to get all of this cleaned up? How am I ever going to catch up and actually get to a point where I have everything done? I do have people helping me today so that’s going to make things a little better. Hopefully that will actually give me a chance to get my head back above water for the first time in weeks.
Well it’s 3:29 and here we go again, medication is wearing off. I am struggling to focus and really have no motivation to keep working, even though I have more than enough to do. I would rather take a nap or chill on the couch and watch TV. Even going to the gym would be more fun than this. I’m going to try setting my timer for 20 minutes to focus on one thing I need to get done. It’s worked before, as long as I get no interruptions.
That didn’t work so much, since I kept forgetting that I was going to actual do that. I didn’t set any timers and I’m sure I didn’t work for 20 minutes straight. I think I got distracted by a couple things but I don’t really remember. As much as these meds are supposed to help me “remember” they also cause a loss of memory too. Geezus.
Alright I got a little more work done and now it’s almost time to get to the gym. As much as I’m not looking forward to that, at least it will be more exciting than sitting here. And I’ll have my gym partner to talk to, which is always fun!
Okay drugs have kicked in now. I’m a little more awake and focused. I’m still just looking at my desk like, how the hell am I ever going to get all of this cleaned up? How am I ever going to catch up and actually get to a point where I have everything done? I do have people helping me today so that’s going to make things a little better. Hopefully that will actually give me a chance to get my head back above water for the first time in weeks.
Well it’s 3:29 and here we go again, medication is wearing off. I am struggling to focus and really have no motivation to keep working, even though I have more than enough to do. I would rather take a nap or chill on the couch and watch TV. Even going to the gym would be more fun than this. I’m going to try setting my timer for 20 minutes to focus on one thing I need to get done. It’s worked before, as long as I get no interruptions.
That didn’t work so much, since I kept forgetting that I was going to actual do that. I didn’t set any timers and I’m sure I didn’t work for 20 minutes straight. I think I got distracted by a couple things but I don’t really remember. As much as these meds are supposed to help me “remember” they also cause a loss of memory too. Geezus.
Alright I got a little more work done and now it’s almost time to get to the gym. As much as I’m not looking forward to that, at least it will be more exciting than sitting here. And I’ll have my gym partner to talk to, which is always fun!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)