Just another not so manic Monday

I got to work way late today. Partially because that’s what I do, partially because traffic was bad, for no apparent reason. I mean, it was backed up and slow for a few miles, and it was already 9am. Shouldn’t these people be at work already? When I got here I was oddly calm, extremely calm. I like that feeling. Then I found out one of my coworkers is out and I have to cover for her. That took some of the calm away. I know it’s my own doing. I start to make myself anxious. Sometimes I think that I don’t know how to function if I’m not nervous or anxious. Does that even make sense? I guess I’ll be talking to the psychologist about this tomorrow, then my regular doc whenever I make that appointment, and then the psychiatrist next week. Maybe I need to try some new meds for the anxiety as well as the ADHD. This is going to be way too fun!! Haha.

12:58pm: Well, the 1 hour 45 minute meeting pretty much ruined my calmness. I shouldn’t say ruined, but the calmness has gone away now. As usual I am tensing up and feeling kind of anxious. I think that my food choices may have a little to do with it though. It is so hard trying to come up with a way to deal with everything all at once, or just one thing at a time. How do I prioritize? What’s most important? Food choices? Organization? Time management? Is it even possible to do one without all of them? They all sort of work off of each other. If I don’t eat well, I have a harder time getting focused, organized, managing my time. If I don’t manage my time I don’t make the right food choices or get organized. If I don’t get organized, I can’t really manage my time or figure out what the good food choices are, etc. It’s this never ending cycle which has no beginning and no end. And when you’ve lived an entire life without knowing how to do any of these things, it’s not exactly easy to just jump right in and start doing them. It has never just dawned on me that, hey, I know how I can organize/manage my time/eat better now! All of the information has always been there. How do I start to process and implement these things into my life when my house is a mess, I have no sense of time, and it’s just easier to eat what’s quick, convenient, and something I know I like?

So now I’m thinking, I know exactly what the doctors, or at least one of them, are going to say. Maybe you should think about writing down what you eat every day. Then you can see if there’s a pattern to how certain foods affect you. Been there, done that. Doesn’t work. I can barely remember where I put that stupid notebook/pen – because I’d have to write the stuff down at home, as well as at work. Otherwise, I can barely remember to write this journal, let alone what I eat. Okay maybe I can try it, but not until I’ve got this journaling thing down. So many things that I think about, so not enough time on the planet to remember or actually do them.

5:24pm: I have got to switch meds now. I just started reading about Vyvanse and most of the people that switched from Adderall to that one are saying they can feel a difference. I just want something that will last all day. I hope that’s what my doc will prescribe for me. I am ready to try something different before I get so behind at work that I can’t catch up. I know I need to exercise and eat better and get more sleep too, but I need some motivation. I hope the med change will give me that motivation. I’m so sleepy right now, and not getting much done at all, so I think it’s time to go home.